Travis from Milwaukee writes:
I arranged to have the kids looked after and took my wife, Carla, to Greece to celebrate our seventh anniversary. I had planned a romantic, fun trip and the first day of site seeing went well, but now things have become really weird. On the second day I took Carla to a local beach that a friend had recommended only to find that it was topless, and for some, completely nude. Ann became really angry and accused me of choosing the beach just so I could ogle the women. I offered to leave but she said “Oh no, if its hedonism you want its hedonism you’ll get,” stripped off her top and proceeded to flirt with a bunch of Greek men on the beach. I didn’t even know what hedonism meant until I went back to the hotel and looked it up. She won’t let me touch her, tonight, and has said that she plans to go back to the same beach tomorrow. I am really worried that she plans to go without me. What should I do here? Please reply promptly as it will be daylight in a few hours.
Sheepshag:
Chill out man! You insult this Hedonist. If you looked up the Greek word you know that Hedonism is making pleasure life’s highest good. It doesn’t necessarily mean debauchery, although for some that’s a rush.
Seriously, dude, this could be the best vacation ever! First, I would bet my left eye that the problems that you face with your wife started a long time before you reached that beach in Greece.
Seventh year itch, dude, read about it. Sounds like you had the right idea about the Greek holiday, but now you are faced with a difficult problem. Carla thinks that you are more attracted to other women than to her, so off with the top and “tit-for tat” with the Greek dudes on the beach.
My guess is that you haven’t paid much attention to her lately. Think about it, dude, when was the last time you told her how much you loved her, how sexy she is, how she is the only woman who matters to you, and actually meant it. Women know if you are faking it, man, even if you are really good at pretending. They need to hear you say it and mean it, dude. Trust me, thinking it when you’re in the mood, but not actually verbalizing it don’t fly.
But listen up, man, you have an opportunity here. Don’t, I mean don’t try to have sex with her if she is pissed with you and thinks you are into other women. Don’t suggest it, make a move for it, or even appear interested in it.
Talk to her about how you are feeling, and let her know that she did make you jealous when she was at the beach with those Greek guys, but it got you to thinking about how much you loved her and were afraid to lose her, even to the extent that you wrote to me in desperation, (naw, scratch the last bit.)
Tell her that she was right, at least in part, that you did go to the beach to check out the women, but all you saw were a bunch of boobs and that she is the only woman who interests you, then tell her how lucky you are to have her as your wife and the mother of your kids. Make it a tender moment, dude, and only touch her if she invites it.
Tomorrow take her to the beach and introduce yourself to the Greek gods before she does. Let them know you are the Alpha male and that your wife is hot but you are cool and party on!
Ask the Sheepshag Shaman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Tony: to Jew or Catholic be...
Tony from New York writes:
I think I am in over my head. I am deeply in love with a Jewish girl and she with me. We are soul mates and want to marry, but I am Catholic. Her parents forbid her to marry someone who is not Jewish, and while my parents can’t stop me it will break their hearts if their grandchildren are not raised Catholic, what should I do?
Sheepshag:
Ok, man, like you never want to break a heart, especially not your mother’s. But you only meet your soul mate once in a lifetime, dude, and if this girl is the real thing you have to go for it.
So here’s what you do. You and your girl convert and become Muslims. That will piss off both sets of parents equally, making them allies in a common cause, namely to bring you both back to your senses. If that doesn’t open the door to compromise, then suggest that you will raise your first child as a Buddhist and the second as a Hindu.
Life is about love, dude, and those who know true love understand that all of the great prophets taught us to love and respect each other. Humans aren’t shoes that should be sized and boxed according to where or how we were made.
Ask the Sheepshag Sharman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
I think I am in over my head. I am deeply in love with a Jewish girl and she with me. We are soul mates and want to marry, but I am Catholic. Her parents forbid her to marry someone who is not Jewish, and while my parents can’t stop me it will break their hearts if their grandchildren are not raised Catholic, what should I do?
Sheepshag:
Ok, man, like you never want to break a heart, especially not your mother’s. But you only meet your soul mate once in a lifetime, dude, and if this girl is the real thing you have to go for it.
So here’s what you do. You and your girl convert and become Muslims. That will piss off both sets of parents equally, making them allies in a common cause, namely to bring you both back to your senses. If that doesn’t open the door to compromise, then suggest that you will raise your first child as a Buddhist and the second as a Hindu.
Life is about love, dude, and those who know true love understand that all of the great prophets taught us to love and respect each other. Humans aren’t shoes that should be sized and boxed according to where or how we were made.
Ask the Sheepshag Sharman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
Friday, August 21, 2009
Billy's busted!
Billy from Boston writes:
I met this really hot chick at a party and we really got it on dancing, drinking and then later I took her to her place and spent the night. The next morning I told her that I had a great time and that I would call her. I must have made the mistake of giving her my card or something because she has all my numbers and won’t stop calling me. Lucky I have call display because she calls me at home on my cell, and yesterday called me at work. Finally I took her call and she was really pissed at me because I hadn’t called her. I tried to tell her that when a guy says “I’ll call you” it doesn’t mean like tomorrow or even next week. She yelled into the phone that I was a player and that she will make sure that I would be sorry for what I had done to her. She yelled so loudly that I am sure the two women next to me at the office could hear her. I am worried that this chick is psycho and is going to do something really nasty. What should I do to get her off my back?
Sheepshag:
Dude, these are questions that you should have considered before making the two backed beast at her place. If you told her that you would call her, when you knew that you wouldn’t, then think what else you might have told her while, dancing, drinking or playing hide the wiener at her place.
Women have minds like an I-pod, dude. They download everything you tell them, and replay it over and over analysing everything that you said. Think hard, man, because you strike me as the kind of guy who would say whatever it takes to ride the magical muff for the night. If this chick was really into you, her emotion has just gone from love to hate in a blink.
Check it out, “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned”, those immortal words written in 1697 by William Congreve (The Morning Bride). Dude, nothing has changed.
You ask me what you should do. Seems to me you have one of two choices, change your name, dye your hair and move to California in the witness protection program, or call this chick up and ask to meet her so that you can apologize to her for being such a duffus. Tell her the truth, man. That you are an insensitive ass and that you thought she was hot and wouldn’t mind putting out with no strings attached. I doubt it will go well, but I do believe that at the end of the day she will stop phoning you.
Ask the Sheepshag Shaman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
I met this really hot chick at a party and we really got it on dancing, drinking and then later I took her to her place and spent the night. The next morning I told her that I had a great time and that I would call her. I must have made the mistake of giving her my card or something because she has all my numbers and won’t stop calling me. Lucky I have call display because she calls me at home on my cell, and yesterday called me at work. Finally I took her call and she was really pissed at me because I hadn’t called her. I tried to tell her that when a guy says “I’ll call you” it doesn’t mean like tomorrow or even next week. She yelled into the phone that I was a player and that she will make sure that I would be sorry for what I had done to her. She yelled so loudly that I am sure the two women next to me at the office could hear her. I am worried that this chick is psycho and is going to do something really nasty. What should I do to get her off my back?
Sheepshag:
Dude, these are questions that you should have considered before making the two backed beast at her place. If you told her that you would call her, when you knew that you wouldn’t, then think what else you might have told her while, dancing, drinking or playing hide the wiener at her place.
Women have minds like an I-pod, dude. They download everything you tell them, and replay it over and over analysing everything that you said. Think hard, man, because you strike me as the kind of guy who would say whatever it takes to ride the magical muff for the night. If this chick was really into you, her emotion has just gone from love to hate in a blink.
Check it out, “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned”, those immortal words written in 1697 by William Congreve (The Morning Bride). Dude, nothing has changed.
You ask me what you should do. Seems to me you have one of two choices, change your name, dye your hair and move to California in the witness protection program, or call this chick up and ask to meet her so that you can apologize to her for being such a duffus. Tell her the truth, man. That you are an insensitive ass and that you thought she was hot and wouldn’t mind putting out with no strings attached. I doubt it will go well, but I do believe that at the end of the day she will stop phoning you.
Ask the Sheepshag Shaman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Is it down the drain for Dwaine?
Dwaine from Denver Colorado writes:
I have been going with this girl for four years, and hoped to marry her one day. I keep myself in good shape, and work out every day. I even had my body hair removed for her because she thought it was gross. Now she has dumped me for a skinny, white, pasty faced guy who looks more like a girl than a guy. What the hell?
Sheepshag:
Dude, it sounds like this guy really sucks. Is your girlfriend reading Twilight?
Ok, so here’s the thing. Some women want commitment and four years may be too long to hang around watching you work out, waiting for you to set a date for marriage. On the bright side, she may have done you a favour. Any woman who makes you remove all your body hair to keep her fantasy that men should remain pre-pubescent is one who will forever try to change you. Real men have hair. Some of us are actually kinda woolly; nothing wrong with that, dude.
Work out to stay healthy not to try to impress a woman with your big muscles. As for physical male attributes, there is only one that is ultimately of interest and it is not a muscle, neither does it have to be big to impress and satisfy, if you know what you’re doing.
Keep an eye on things this might just be a ruse to make you jealous and force you to commit, but don’t stalk her. If you notice her become pallid with dark rings around her eyes, you might want to change your diet to include lots of garlic.
Ask the Sheepshag Shaman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
I have been going with this girl for four years, and hoped to marry her one day. I keep myself in good shape, and work out every day. I even had my body hair removed for her because she thought it was gross. Now she has dumped me for a skinny, white, pasty faced guy who looks more like a girl than a guy. What the hell?
Sheepshag:
Dude, it sounds like this guy really sucks. Is your girlfriend reading Twilight?
Ok, so here’s the thing. Some women want commitment and four years may be too long to hang around watching you work out, waiting for you to set a date for marriage. On the bright side, she may have done you a favour. Any woman who makes you remove all your body hair to keep her fantasy that men should remain pre-pubescent is one who will forever try to change you. Real men have hair. Some of us are actually kinda woolly; nothing wrong with that, dude.
Work out to stay healthy not to try to impress a woman with your big muscles. As for physical male attributes, there is only one that is ultimately of interest and it is not a muscle, neither does it have to be big to impress and satisfy, if you know what you’re doing.
Keep an eye on things this might just be a ruse to make you jealous and force you to commit, but don’t stalk her. If you notice her become pallid with dark rings around her eyes, you might want to change your diet to include lots of garlic.
Ask the Sheepshag Shaman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Whalen might be wailin'
Whalen from Wichita writes:
I think my wife is having an affair but I can’t be sure. I really want to trust her, but there are little signs that make me think there is someone else in her life. She doesn’t work but is out of the house a lot, and then there are the phone calls that she grabs before the second ring. Lately in the evening she gets all dressed up with quite a bit of makeup and tells me she is going out with her “girlfriends. I can’t afford a private dick, and besides I don’t want to accuse her if I am wrong. Are there signs I should watch for?
Sheepshag:
Dude, brace yourself, you might already be paying for a private dick. Some of the signs you describe fit into the top ten signs she’s cheating’. Check it out.
10.She starts to exercise, eat sensibly and lose weight.
9. She walks around the house humming until you enter the room then goes silent
8. She stiffens up when you give her a hug
7. She runs to the phone to answer it before you do
6. She closes and locks the bathroom door when getting dressed
5. She suddenly develops an interest that will take her out of the house, especially at night
4. She changes her wardrobe, wears tighter clothes and shows off some cleavage
3. She appears pre-occupied with hidden matters in her mind
2. She will wait for you to go to sleep before coming to bed
And the number one sign:
1. When you go to give her a kiss on the lips, she turns to take it on the cheek.
So check this out dude and if there are more than five that apply, chances are you’ll be wailin’ Whalen.
Of course, you could just ask her in a non-threatening way, suggesting that all you want is the truth so that you can better understand what is happening in her life, but there’s not much groove in that dude, and certainly no drama.
Good luck.
Ask the Sheepshag Sharman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
I think my wife is having an affair but I can’t be sure. I really want to trust her, but there are little signs that make me think there is someone else in her life. She doesn’t work but is out of the house a lot, and then there are the phone calls that she grabs before the second ring. Lately in the evening she gets all dressed up with quite a bit of makeup and tells me she is going out with her “girlfriends. I can’t afford a private dick, and besides I don’t want to accuse her if I am wrong. Are there signs I should watch for?
Sheepshag:
Dude, brace yourself, you might already be paying for a private dick. Some of the signs you describe fit into the top ten signs she’s cheating’. Check it out.
10.She starts to exercise, eat sensibly and lose weight.
9. She walks around the house humming until you enter the room then goes silent
8. She stiffens up when you give her a hug
7. She runs to the phone to answer it before you do
6. She closes and locks the bathroom door when getting dressed
5. She suddenly develops an interest that will take her out of the house, especially at night
4. She changes her wardrobe, wears tighter clothes and shows off some cleavage
3. She appears pre-occupied with hidden matters in her mind
2. She will wait for you to go to sleep before coming to bed
And the number one sign:
1. When you go to give her a kiss on the lips, she turns to take it on the cheek.
So check this out dude and if there are more than five that apply, chances are you’ll be wailin’ Whalen.
Of course, you could just ask her in a non-threatening way, suggesting that all you want is the truth so that you can better understand what is happening in her life, but there’s not much groove in that dude, and certainly no drama.
Good luck.
Ask the Sheepshag Sharman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Jack shafted in Toronto
Jack from Toronto, Canada writes:
I am going out of my mind here and need some advice. It’s about my two roommates, they are driving me crazy. I live with Don and Cheryl in a small, but nice three bedroom apartment. When we decided to rent together we agreed that because the place is so small Don and I wouldn’t bring home girls and Cheryl wouldn’t bring home guys. All the expenses were to be shared. So what happens? Don brings home a friend called Chuck who doesn’t work but sure eats. He has hooked up with Cheryl and moved into her room with her. He has been here almost a month now and hasn’t made, nor offered any contribution to help with the rent or pay for the food he eats. Don says it’s not his issue because the agreement was that he wouldn’t bring home girls, and Cheryl says that, the fact that Chuck is screwing her notwithstanding, Chuck is Don’s friend. Obviously neither Don nor Cheryl mind having Chuck around, but I can’t stand the freeloader and want him out. Finding another place won’t be easy and besides it’s the principle of the thing. What should I do?
Sheepshag:
Wow, very un-cool dude. It sounds like Chuck has found both food and booty so he’s not likely to leave voluntarily, especially if you are the only one out of the four of you who has a problem with him being there. Having roommates can be ace, man, but it can also suck big time.
Hey check this out. http://www.roommatesanonymous.com/ This chick has written a whole book on stuff just like you describe.
It sounds like Cheryl isn’t the only one getting the shaft. If you can’t get your two roommates to live up to the original plan, you may have no other choice than to pack your bags and hit the road, Jack, unless of course you want to play dirty... my style.
If you do, find two really hot chicks and invite them to come over to stay for a few days. They are the bait, dude. If Chuck is as big a dick as you say, it won’t take long for him to feel a tug on his rod. Cheryl will get really pissed and kick him out. Problem solved.
Why two hot chicks, you ask? Because it sounds like Don and Chuck share similar DNA. Cheryl has already tied them together so who knows you might get rid of them both and be left with two really hot chicks.
Good luck, man.
Ask the Sheepshag Shaman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
I am going out of my mind here and need some advice. It’s about my two roommates, they are driving me crazy. I live with Don and Cheryl in a small, but nice three bedroom apartment. When we decided to rent together we agreed that because the place is so small Don and I wouldn’t bring home girls and Cheryl wouldn’t bring home guys. All the expenses were to be shared. So what happens? Don brings home a friend called Chuck who doesn’t work but sure eats. He has hooked up with Cheryl and moved into her room with her. He has been here almost a month now and hasn’t made, nor offered any contribution to help with the rent or pay for the food he eats. Don says it’s not his issue because the agreement was that he wouldn’t bring home girls, and Cheryl says that, the fact that Chuck is screwing her notwithstanding, Chuck is Don’s friend. Obviously neither Don nor Cheryl mind having Chuck around, but I can’t stand the freeloader and want him out. Finding another place won’t be easy and besides it’s the principle of the thing. What should I do?
Sheepshag:
Wow, very un-cool dude. It sounds like Chuck has found both food and booty so he’s not likely to leave voluntarily, especially if you are the only one out of the four of you who has a problem with him being there. Having roommates can be ace, man, but it can also suck big time.
Hey check this out. http://www.roommatesanonymous.com/ This chick has written a whole book on stuff just like you describe.
It sounds like Cheryl isn’t the only one getting the shaft. If you can’t get your two roommates to live up to the original plan, you may have no other choice than to pack your bags and hit the road, Jack, unless of course you want to play dirty... my style.
If you do, find two really hot chicks and invite them to come over to stay for a few days. They are the bait, dude. If Chuck is as big a dick as you say, it won’t take long for him to feel a tug on his rod. Cheryl will get really pissed and kick him out. Problem solved.
Why two hot chicks, you ask? Because it sounds like Don and Chuck share similar DNA. Cheryl has already tied them together so who knows you might get rid of them both and be left with two really hot chicks.
Good luck, man.
Ask the Sheepshag Shaman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
Monday, August 17, 2009
Ray from the Windy City
Raymond from Chicago writes:
My girlfriend and I have been living together for over three years and until last week she has always been faithful to me. Last week she went to Boston to attend her high school reunion, and I knew as soon as she returned that something had happened over the weekend. I pressed her to tell me what she had done and she was quick to tell me that she had not had sex. Still I could see she was hiding something, and I demanded to know the truth. Finally after much prodding she broke down and told me that after quite a few drinks she went home with an old girl friend and during the course of the night the two had become “intimate”. I was furious of course and demanded to know the details of this “intimacy”. Let’s just say they “pleasured” each other all night, although I did finally get a detailed account. My girlfriend insists that she didn’t cheat on me because she was drunk and what she did was not like having sex with another guy. I am not buying that. We agreed to write to you and get your opinion.
Sheepshag:
Whoa dude, they could use your interrogation skills at Guantanamo. You sound like a dog with a bone, and I don’t mean to pick. You sure you weren’t secretly getting off on hearing the “detailed account”?
Here’s the thing man, she probably didn’t tell you because she was drunk, and who knows how she feels about what she did. So, dude, if you really care about this chick you are in a bit of a Catch 22. On the one hand she may, in the sober light of day, feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, or possibly regretful, in which case insisting that she describe every stroke or touch won’t help her. On the other hand, she may have really enjoyed the encounter and you, acting like the Gestapo, remind her why this girlfriend was so comforting.
Are you two really debating whether or not she had sex, or whether or not she cheated on you, or are you just pissed because you weren’t there?
Chill out dude. Yeah, the Billy Clinton defence is bullshit. A bush in the hands of two birds is worth it if they are into each other and no harm comes of it, but it is sex. Why not ask your girlfriend how she feels about what happened, and learn something about her that will help your relationship instead of measuring her up for an orange body suit and ankle bracelets?
Ask the Sheepshag Shaman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
My girlfriend and I have been living together for over three years and until last week she has always been faithful to me. Last week she went to Boston to attend her high school reunion, and I knew as soon as she returned that something had happened over the weekend. I pressed her to tell me what she had done and she was quick to tell me that she had not had sex. Still I could see she was hiding something, and I demanded to know the truth. Finally after much prodding she broke down and told me that after quite a few drinks she went home with an old girl friend and during the course of the night the two had become “intimate”. I was furious of course and demanded to know the details of this “intimacy”. Let’s just say they “pleasured” each other all night, although I did finally get a detailed account. My girlfriend insists that she didn’t cheat on me because she was drunk and what she did was not like having sex with another guy. I am not buying that. We agreed to write to you and get your opinion.
Sheepshag:
Whoa dude, they could use your interrogation skills at Guantanamo. You sound like a dog with a bone, and I don’t mean to pick. You sure you weren’t secretly getting off on hearing the “detailed account”?
Here’s the thing man, she probably didn’t tell you because she was drunk, and who knows how she feels about what she did. So, dude, if you really care about this chick you are in a bit of a Catch 22. On the one hand she may, in the sober light of day, feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, or possibly regretful, in which case insisting that she describe every stroke or touch won’t help her. On the other hand, she may have really enjoyed the encounter and you, acting like the Gestapo, remind her why this girlfriend was so comforting.
Are you two really debating whether or not she had sex, or whether or not she cheated on you, or are you just pissed because you weren’t there?
Chill out dude. Yeah, the Billy Clinton defence is bullshit. A bush in the hands of two birds is worth it if they are into each other and no harm comes of it, but it is sex. Why not ask your girlfriend how she feels about what happened, and learn something about her that will help your relationship instead of measuring her up for an orange body suit and ankle bracelets?
Ask the Sheepshag Shaman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
Friday, August 14, 2009
Rudy and Eddy
Rudy from Philadelphia writes:
There is a hot woman in the sales department at my work who I would like to take out, but she doesn’t seem to know that I exist. I have checked her personnel file and know that she is single and living with her parents. I have tried lots of ways to catch her eye, like dressing provocatively, moving my coffee break to coincide with hers, and each morning I wait until she arrives so that I can ride up in the same elevator. I smile at her but she just looks right through me, not even a smile. What should I do?
Sheepshag:
You’re creepy, dude, a borderline stalker. Even if you’re shy, I doubt that you are mute or a mime so talk to her. Try starting with “Hello, I’m Rudy”, but first find a washroom and scrub the “L” off your forehead.
The way to find out about a chick is to ask her, not read through her private personnel files. If she doesn’t want to talk to you, leave her alone!
Eddie from Beverly Hills writes:
I have found the woman of my dreams and we plan to be married in September. She is pretty cool about things, but her parents are fundamentalist Christians and her mother is already interfering in our lives quite a bit. Some years ago I was so broke that I participated in making a couple of porno films to pay the rent. Those films are still out there on the shelves, and I am worried that my girlfriend or worse, her mother, might find out about them. What should I do?
Sheepshag:
Tough one, dude, but what’s done is done. Take a page from the famous Prussian military thinker Carl von Clausewitz who said “the best defence is a good offense”. Tell the woman of your dreams what you did and why you did it. After all, who amongst us hasn’t had to rise to an occasion to come and pay the rent?
Hey, man, if your chick is cool with what you did, send copies to your future mother in law. Tell her that you were just trying to get ahead in life. She will be shocked! Her outrage will grow every time she watches it. She might even feel compelled to ask her Friday night ladies bridge club what they think.
But a word of caution, if she likes it run for the hills, and I don’t mean the Beverly Hills, dude, there are way too many cougars lurking in the shadows there.
Ask the Sheepshag Shaman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.
There is a hot woman in the sales department at my work who I would like to take out, but she doesn’t seem to know that I exist. I have checked her personnel file and know that she is single and living with her parents. I have tried lots of ways to catch her eye, like dressing provocatively, moving my coffee break to coincide with hers, and each morning I wait until she arrives so that I can ride up in the same elevator. I smile at her but she just looks right through me, not even a smile. What should I do?
Sheepshag:
You’re creepy, dude, a borderline stalker. Even if you’re shy, I doubt that you are mute or a mime so talk to her. Try starting with “Hello, I’m Rudy”, but first find a washroom and scrub the “L” off your forehead.
The way to find out about a chick is to ask her, not read through her private personnel files. If she doesn’t want to talk to you, leave her alone!
Eddie from Beverly Hills writes:
I have found the woman of my dreams and we plan to be married in September. She is pretty cool about things, but her parents are fundamentalist Christians and her mother is already interfering in our lives quite a bit. Some years ago I was so broke that I participated in making a couple of porno films to pay the rent. Those films are still out there on the shelves, and I am worried that my girlfriend or worse, her mother, might find out about them. What should I do?
Sheepshag:
Tough one, dude, but what’s done is done. Take a page from the famous Prussian military thinker Carl von Clausewitz who said “the best defence is a good offense”. Tell the woman of your dreams what you did and why you did it. After all, who amongst us hasn’t had to rise to an occasion to come and pay the rent?
Hey, man, if your chick is cool with what you did, send copies to your future mother in law. Tell her that you were just trying to get ahead in life. She will be shocked! Her outrage will grow every time she watches it. She might even feel compelled to ask her Friday night ladies bridge club what they think.
But a word of caution, if she likes it run for the hills, and I don’t mean the Beverly Hills, dude, there are way too many cougars lurking in the shadows there.
Ask the Sheepshag Shaman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Mark from San Fran.
Mark from San Francisco California writes:
My best friend just told me that he is gay. I am really pissed. We have grown up together, camped together, gone skinny dipping together, and even slept in the same bed as kids. I am not sure that I can be friends with him anymore. I am uncomfortable around gay men. How do I tell him that I can’t handle him being gay?
Sheepshag:
You don’t. Dude, you’re an idiot.
First of all if, as you describe, you have grown up with this guy and are only now discovering that he is gay, it sounds like he has never asked you to handle him or put you in a position where you thought he might want you to. Second, you say you are “uncomfortable” around gay men and yet you choose to live in San Francisco! Hello... Get it together bro.
Sounds to me like this guy is someone who has enough trust in your friendship to tell you he is gay. If you are really his friend you will not only accept it, you will respect it.
Remember, dude, life is not a game of golf where everyone drives toward the same hole.
Ask Sheepshag a question, but remember, don't ask the question if you can't handle the answer.
My best friend just told me that he is gay. I am really pissed. We have grown up together, camped together, gone skinny dipping together, and even slept in the same bed as kids. I am not sure that I can be friends with him anymore. I am uncomfortable around gay men. How do I tell him that I can’t handle him being gay?
Sheepshag:
You don’t. Dude, you’re an idiot.
First of all if, as you describe, you have grown up with this guy and are only now discovering that he is gay, it sounds like he has never asked you to handle him or put you in a position where you thought he might want you to. Second, you say you are “uncomfortable” around gay men and yet you choose to live in San Francisco! Hello... Get it together bro.
Sounds to me like this guy is someone who has enough trust in your friendship to tell you he is gay. If you are really his friend you will not only accept it, you will respect it.
Remember, dude, life is not a game of golf where everyone drives toward the same hole.
Ask Sheepshag a question, but remember, don't ask the question if you can't handle the answer.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Woody from Vancouver
Woody writes from Vancouver, Canada
Help! What am I to do here? My girlfriend is an unbelievably hot chick. I am really into her, but she likes to go to Wreck beach which is a nudist beach. She has been asking me to go with her so I went there the other day, alone, to check it out. I don’t know if I should go with her. I am not sure I can measure up to most of those guys and I am not sure how I would react to having my girlfriend naked around all those other guys and girls.
Sheepshag
Dude, go check the local lost and found and see if someone turned in your self esteem, then try to develop some Vulcan logic. She asked you, right? So it doesn’t sound like she will have a problem seeing your soldier on parade, just so long as it doesn’t snap to attention and salute her, or worse, try to get an introduction to her girlfriend. So chill, man, you’re going to the beach not to an audition for a porno flick.
Think of the male body like you would a tomato plant. Some grow beefsteak tomatoes others grow cherry tomatoes. Most grow a variety somewhere in between. But in the final analysis they are all tomatoes, all tasty and desirable to those who like tomatoes.
So do it, man. Hang up your inhibitions along with your clothes and take your girl to the nude beach if that’s her thing. But be careful, not everyone at the beach will be a nudist, or even a pretender who just likes to look at nude people. Beware the perverts who get off on taking pictures, posting them on the web or making inappropriate advances to young beachgoers.
And, remember, if you are going to take your soldier out of uniform, a 30SPF hat is a good minimum.
Help! What am I to do here? My girlfriend is an unbelievably hot chick. I am really into her, but she likes to go to Wreck beach which is a nudist beach. She has been asking me to go with her so I went there the other day, alone, to check it out. I don’t know if I should go with her. I am not sure I can measure up to most of those guys and I am not sure how I would react to having my girlfriend naked around all those other guys and girls.
Sheepshag
Dude, go check the local lost and found and see if someone turned in your self esteem, then try to develop some Vulcan logic. She asked you, right? So it doesn’t sound like she will have a problem seeing your soldier on parade, just so long as it doesn’t snap to attention and salute her, or worse, try to get an introduction to her girlfriend. So chill, man, you’re going to the beach not to an audition for a porno flick.
Think of the male body like you would a tomato plant. Some grow beefsteak tomatoes others grow cherry tomatoes. Most grow a variety somewhere in between. But in the final analysis they are all tomatoes, all tasty and desirable to those who like tomatoes.
So do it, man. Hang up your inhibitions along with your clothes and take your girl to the nude beach if that’s her thing. But be careful, not everyone at the beach will be a nudist, or even a pretender who just likes to look at nude people. Beware the perverts who get off on taking pictures, posting them on the web or making inappropriate advances to young beachgoers.
And, remember, if you are going to take your soldier out of uniform, a 30SPF hat is a good minimum.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
The Sheepshag Shaman
Adam from Arkansas writes:
As hard as I try, I don’t seem to be able to satisfy my girlfriend. There is always something wrong with what I say, or what I do, or how I am doing it.
Sheepshag:
Dude, check this out. Woman are different than us man. Let me put it in terms that you might understand down there in Arkansas. Men are like a 4X4 truck with automatic transmission. Just put us in drive and give us some gas and we will go through damn near anything. If the road we are travelling gets a little rough, or we get bogged down in the mud, we just shift into four wheel drive, low range, and give her shit. Sometimes we pull through, sometimes not. It’s life, man, but women aren’t like that.
Women are like a finely tuned Italian sports car with a five speed standard transmission. You have to know how to drive it, dude. Getting a feel for the clutch and your shift is the key. Here are few simple rules.
1. Start slow. Get a feel for how she handles, but don’t stay in first gear too long or she’ll overheat.
2. Gently with the clutch. Ease her into second gear and listen to the motor purr. She’ll let you know when to shift into third.
3. Pay attention to what you are driving, don’t get distracted by nifty little corvette alongside. It’s like they know, man.
4. Make the shifting smooth as you reach third gear. That requires a slow, soft touch to the gas pedal. Get too excited and she’ll spin out, man. Easier to keep control than to try to regain it.
5. Oh, did I mention that they were like an Italian sports car. That’s really important, dude, because they actually do speak a different language. Like, it’s a difficult language to learn, man, I mean I am talking a lifelong commitment to learning here. So, think on that one. If you don’t think you can do that but still want to be able to communicate, then here are a couple of hints.
a. Ask her how she feels. I mean, like you really want to know.
b. Learn the phrase “I hear you.” They want to be heard, man.
c. Also learn “I understand,” even if you don’t understand, you will in time I guarantee it.
d. Most important of all, dude. Don’t think that just because a woman tells you what is bothering them that they want you to actually do anything about it. If you do, and you try to fix things on the fly, you will just make matters much worse. Go back to a. and b. above and you’ll be fine.
6. Last, learn to try to control your urge to go from 0 – 120 in thirty seconds. So many guys screw it all up by thinking they are cruising when they hit fourth gear, and too many shift through gears one to four like they are in a race of something. Let the engine fully respond to each gear before shifting up. She has five gears for a reason. When you think you have pushed the car to the limit, then, and only then, shift into fifth. Even she will be surprised at the enhanced performance.
So there it is man, good luck.
Ask the Sheepshag Sharman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
Adam from Arkansas writes:
As hard as I try, I don’t seem to be able to satisfy my girlfriend. There is always something wrong with what I say, or what I do, or how I am doing it.
Sheepshag:
Dude, check this out. Woman are different than us man. Let me put it in terms that you might understand down there in Arkansas. Men are like a 4X4 truck with automatic transmission. Just put us in drive and give us some gas and we will go through damn near anything. If the road we are travelling gets a little rough, or we get bogged down in the mud, we just shift into four wheel drive, low range, and give her shit. Sometimes we pull through, sometimes not. It’s life, man, but women aren’t like that.
Women are like a finely tuned Italian sports car with a five speed standard transmission. You have to know how to drive it, dude. Getting a feel for the clutch and your shift is the key. Here are few simple rules.
1. Start slow. Get a feel for how she handles, but don’t stay in first gear too long or she’ll overheat.
2. Gently with the clutch. Ease her into second gear and listen to the motor purr. She’ll let you know when to shift into third.
3. Pay attention to what you are driving, don’t get distracted by nifty little corvette alongside. It’s like they know, man.
4. Make the shifting smooth as you reach third gear. That requires a slow, soft touch to the gas pedal. Get too excited and she’ll spin out, man. Easier to keep control than to try to regain it.
5. Oh, did I mention that they were like an Italian sports car. That’s really important, dude, because they actually do speak a different language. Like, it’s a difficult language to learn, man, I mean I am talking a lifelong commitment to learning here. So, think on that one. If you don’t think you can do that but still want to be able to communicate, then here are a couple of hints.
a. Ask her how she feels. I mean, like you really want to know.
b. Learn the phrase “I hear you.” They want to be heard, man.
c. Also learn “I understand,” even if you don’t understand, you will in time I guarantee it.
d. Most important of all, dude. Don’t think that just because a woman tells you what is bothering them that they want you to actually do anything about it. If you do, and you try to fix things on the fly, you will just make matters much worse. Go back to a. and b. above and you’ll be fine.
6. Last, learn to try to control your urge to go from 0 – 120 in thirty seconds. So many guys screw it all up by thinking they are cruising when they hit fourth gear, and too many shift through gears one to four like they are in a race of something. Let the engine fully respond to each gear before shifting up. She has five gears for a reason. When you think you have pushed the car to the limit, then, and only then, shift into fifth. Even she will be surprised at the enhanced performance.
So there it is man, good luck.
Ask the Sheepshag Sharman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
