The Sheepshag Shaman
“If you can’t handle the answer – don’t ask the question”
Harley from Beavertail, Montana writes:
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go camping with him at Rock Creek Lodge. We packed a tent and sleeping bags, jumped on his hog and headed out for a weekend camping. He swears that he didn’t know that the annual “testy fest” was on - like in the Rock Creek Testicle Festival. Anyway, when we got there we found all kinds of other bikers and party goers already well into a weekend of festivities. My boyfriend seemed completely turned on by the event but, at first, I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay. Anyway he was soon into his beer, bikes and bulls balls with a bunch of good old boys. I had no way to leave. I decided to make the most of it and entertained myself with the wet t-shirt contest, which I won, the greased pig wrestling contest, which I came second in, and dancing a major strip number on the bar which made me $200. My boyfriend was really pissed with me and forced me to leave a day early. We have been on and off since because of it. Last night he called me and asked me if I would go up there again next year. What’s with that?
Sheepshag:
So, momma, let me get this straight. Your biker boyfriend takes you to the Rock Creek Testicle Festival, and then is pissed off because you had a ball? Where does he carry his rocks, in his head?
I seriously doubt that he didn’t know that the festival was going on. He was afraid to tell you ‘because he thought you wouldn’t go. So when you get there and, you sexy momma, you swank the festival he gets jealous and acts all pissed off; too bad sucker.
Who knows what he’s been smoking’ to ask you back again next year. Hell, by the sounds of it you should get your own bike and ride on up there solo.
Take it from me, Sheepshag, bulls are dumb, so I doubt those Montana nuggets, deep fried or baked, is brain food for those who ride all that way to eat ‘em. If your hot to party and dig bikers, then that’s as good a place as any I am sure, but why go with a jealous dude? He’ll just use your mojo to swing a couple in the sack, and trust me, one of them won’t be you, babe.
Ask the Sheepshag Sharman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Houston - we have a problem
Houston from New Orleans writes:
Help me to understand what is going on here. I work in construction and my day starts at 6:30 am. My wife of ten years has discovered twitter and now spends all her time both day and night on the damned computer talking to strangers about stuff that is personal to us. Before that it was Facebook. I have tried to be understanding, but when I get home I am tired and hungry and I get angry when I find her sitting in front of her computer chatting, and laughing along with people, who mean nothing to me, but seem to mean everything to her. I am all but ignored. What the f... is going on here?
Sheepshag:
Hey, man, my condolences. From what you describe, it sounds like your wife has a serious case of the twitavian bird flu which has made her tweet on twitter, and birds of a feather flock together. The United Nations has just declared twitavian flu a global pandemic. It is terminal, dude.
Just messing with you, man, I just made that up. Check it out. There are only three kinds of people in this world. Those who lead the parade, those who march in the parade, and those who stand on the sidelines and watch the parade go by. Sounds like you fit into the last category. If your wife fits into either of the other two, Houston, you may have a problem.
You come home tired and hungry and expect that she is going to drop everything and wait on you... did I get that right?
Dude you can hardly expect someone marching in a parade, much less someone who is leading it to stop and spend time with someone who is content to sit on the sideline and watch the world go by. Get engaged man, or learn to cook.
Send Sheepshag a question - but remember if you can't handle the answer don't ask the qauestion.
Help me to understand what is going on here. I work in construction and my day starts at 6:30 am. My wife of ten years has discovered twitter and now spends all her time both day and night on the damned computer talking to strangers about stuff that is personal to us. Before that it was Facebook. I have tried to be understanding, but when I get home I am tired and hungry and I get angry when I find her sitting in front of her computer chatting, and laughing along with people, who mean nothing to me, but seem to mean everything to her. I am all but ignored. What the f... is going on here?
Sheepshag:
Hey, man, my condolences. From what you describe, it sounds like your wife has a serious case of the twitavian bird flu which has made her tweet on twitter, and birds of a feather flock together. The United Nations has just declared twitavian flu a global pandemic. It is terminal, dude.
Just messing with you, man, I just made that up. Check it out. There are only three kinds of people in this world. Those who lead the parade, those who march in the parade, and those who stand on the sidelines and watch the parade go by. Sounds like you fit into the last category. If your wife fits into either of the other two, Houston, you may have a problem.
You come home tired and hungry and expect that she is going to drop everything and wait on you... did I get that right?
Dude you can hardly expect someone marching in a parade, much less someone who is leading it to stop and spend time with someone who is content to sit on the sideline and watch the world go by. Get engaged man, or learn to cook.
Send Sheepshag a question - but remember if you can't handle the answer don't ask the qauestion.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Brit's been Buffaloed
Brittney from Buffalo writes:
I have been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months now but think that he loves his cats more than he loves me. I knew when I met him that he loved his kitties and he even started calling me kitten right after our first date. I thought it was really cute at first and loved that he liked animals so much but now I am not so sure. He has 5 cats and they all sleep with him at night. There is hardly any room left for me in the bed and I often have to move to the couch. I complained to him and told him that I didn't think it was fair that I had to sleep on the couch while his "other kittens" took over my side of the bed. He told me that I was being selfish and demanding. What do you think?
Sheepshag:
Hey Brit nice to hear from the chicks. I usually get sobs stories from the dudes. But seriously, lover, this guy is a freak! When most guys talk about taking puss to bed they don’t mean the four legged feline variety!
If you really want a serious relationship with this furball, then you had better start drawing some lines. Like, how about, “My name is Brittney I am human not a cat, and if you insist on calling me kitten, I know of one pussy that will put the boot to you!” That would be a good start.
If you don’t draw lines, then before long, he’ll start serving you a saucer of milk while he chews on a BBQ’d stake!
It’s not my place to tell you if you should try to hang with this freaky dude or not, that’s your call, but if you do choose to stay and he won’t respect the lines you draw, then bring home a dog; something sporty, with lots of energy and really smart, like a Border Collie. Trust me their instincts for herding would be perfect for that pride of five. Invite your new puppy onto the bed at night and tell your boyfriend that he has already learned to catch balls!
Ask the Sheepshag Sharman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
I have been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months now but think that he loves his cats more than he loves me. I knew when I met him that he loved his kitties and he even started calling me kitten right after our first date. I thought it was really cute at first and loved that he liked animals so much but now I am not so sure. He has 5 cats and they all sleep with him at night. There is hardly any room left for me in the bed and I often have to move to the couch. I complained to him and told him that I didn't think it was fair that I had to sleep on the couch while his "other kittens" took over my side of the bed. He told me that I was being selfish and demanding. What do you think?
Sheepshag:
Hey Brit nice to hear from the chicks. I usually get sobs stories from the dudes. But seriously, lover, this guy is a freak! When most guys talk about taking puss to bed they don’t mean the four legged feline variety!
If you really want a serious relationship with this furball, then you had better start drawing some lines. Like, how about, “My name is Brittney I am human not a cat, and if you insist on calling me kitten, I know of one pussy that will put the boot to you!” That would be a good start.
If you don’t draw lines, then before long, he’ll start serving you a saucer of milk while he chews on a BBQ’d stake!
It’s not my place to tell you if you should try to hang with this freaky dude or not, that’s your call, but if you do choose to stay and he won’t respect the lines you draw, then bring home a dog; something sporty, with lots of energy and really smart, like a Border Collie. Trust me their instincts for herding would be perfect for that pride of five. Invite your new puppy onto the bed at night and tell your boyfriend that he has already learned to catch balls!
Ask the Sheepshag Sharman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Alice on the vine
Alice from Yakima writes:
I have known Trevor since we were in grade 9. He was my BFF all through high school. We always hung out together and did almost everything together. I say almost, because he never kissed me, or even touched me in a way that could be construed as sexual. After I graduated I lost touch with him. I left for college and he went to work in his dad’s winery. Last week I returned to Yakima after four years absence, and guess who I met at the local pub. You got it, Trevor. He is so handsome, and his smile just melted me I was so happy to see him, and he seemed happy to see me. I asked him if he was married or had a girlfriend and he just laughed and said, “you know, Alice, there will never be anyone else for me but you. We are best friends for ever, remember?” I was shocked and thought he might be joking. He has never signalled that he was interested in me in that way, although I have given him plenty of signs about how I feel toward him. What should I do? I am afraid that if tell him how I feel that he won’t feel the same way and I will lose his friendship.
Sheepshag:
Ok, so listen up lover, sounds like your man is much like the wines he makes in Yakima, falling short of his potential.
Clearly Trev is into you or he wouldn’t have spent so much time with you. If this dude is as good looking and charming as you say, then there has to be a reason why some other chick hasn’t sucked on his grapes.
Lots of guys don’t have a clue about how to even approach the subject of doing it steady with a chick, much less setting up the wild thing. Sounds to me like Trevor’s that kind of dude. Take heart, some of the best catches out there fall into this category, so it’s going to be up to you to make a move.
As for worrying about losing his friendship, hell, don’t. Dudes like Trevor aren’t the kind to blow you off because you spit out your heart and hand it to him. Worst case, he’ll dust it off and hand it back, but I doubt that will be the outcome.
Watch how you go about this though. You want to come across smooth, like a fine Hermitage made from the Syrah grape; full-bodied with a hint of black currant, plums, and spices. Let him know you will go well with his filet mignon.
Try not to get too heavy like a Merlot, or you’ll muddy up the situation and he won’t enjoy the taste.
So you go, girl and let him see and feel your passion. Be the vintner that turns this mush into your main man. Press him firm but not too hard, and slowly let it ferment, but remember don’t let it age too long or you’ll be dealing with vinegar.
Ask the Sheepshag Sharman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
I have known Trevor since we were in grade 9. He was my BFF all through high school. We always hung out together and did almost everything together. I say almost, because he never kissed me, or even touched me in a way that could be construed as sexual. After I graduated I lost touch with him. I left for college and he went to work in his dad’s winery. Last week I returned to Yakima after four years absence, and guess who I met at the local pub. You got it, Trevor. He is so handsome, and his smile just melted me I was so happy to see him, and he seemed happy to see me. I asked him if he was married or had a girlfriend and he just laughed and said, “you know, Alice, there will never be anyone else for me but you. We are best friends for ever, remember?” I was shocked and thought he might be joking. He has never signalled that he was interested in me in that way, although I have given him plenty of signs about how I feel toward him. What should I do? I am afraid that if tell him how I feel that he won’t feel the same way and I will lose his friendship.
Sheepshag:
Ok, so listen up lover, sounds like your man is much like the wines he makes in Yakima, falling short of his potential.
Clearly Trev is into you or he wouldn’t have spent so much time with you. If this dude is as good looking and charming as you say, then there has to be a reason why some other chick hasn’t sucked on his grapes.
Lots of guys don’t have a clue about how to even approach the subject of doing it steady with a chick, much less setting up the wild thing. Sounds to me like Trevor’s that kind of dude. Take heart, some of the best catches out there fall into this category, so it’s going to be up to you to make a move.
As for worrying about losing his friendship, hell, don’t. Dudes like Trevor aren’t the kind to blow you off because you spit out your heart and hand it to him. Worst case, he’ll dust it off and hand it back, but I doubt that will be the outcome.
Watch how you go about this though. You want to come across smooth, like a fine Hermitage made from the Syrah grape; full-bodied with a hint of black currant, plums, and spices. Let him know you will go well with his filet mignon.
Try not to get too heavy like a Merlot, or you’ll muddy up the situation and he won’t enjoy the taste.
So you go, girl and let him see and feel your passion. Be the vintner that turns this mush into your main man. Press him firm but not too hard, and slowly let it ferment, but remember don’t let it age too long or you’ll be dealing with vinegar.
Ask the Sheepshag Sharman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
Marcus from Tulsa Oklahoma writes:
Now that we are married Michelle insists that she drives the car and I am passenger. She never used to do that when we were dating, but since the wedding her attitude has changed. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she has become much more demanding and bossy. It is really embarrassing for me. None of my friends let their wives drive them around. What should I do?
Sheepshag:
Sell the car and buy a motorcycle, dude. She is far less likely to want to drive that and it will provide you with a very fast get away; I have the feeling you’re going to need one.
Ask the Sheepshag Sharman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
Now that we are married Michelle insists that she drives the car and I am passenger. She never used to do that when we were dating, but since the wedding her attitude has changed. I have tried to talk to her about it, but she has become much more demanding and bossy. It is really embarrassing for me. None of my friends let their wives drive them around. What should I do?
Sheepshag:
Sell the car and buy a motorcycle, dude. She is far less likely to want to drive that and it will provide you with a very fast get away; I have the feeling you’re going to need one.
Ask the Sheepshag Sharman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
Thursday, August 27, 2009
It's all Greek to Travis
Travis from Milwaukee writes:
I arranged to have the kids looked after and took my wife, Carla, to Greece to celebrate our seventh anniversary. I had planned a romantic, fun trip and the first day of site seeing went well, but now things have become really weird. On the second day I took Carla to a local beach that a friend had recommended only to find that it was topless, and for some, completely nude. Ann became really angry and accused me of choosing the beach just so I could ogle the women. I offered to leave but she said “Oh no, if its hedonism you want its hedonism you’ll get,” stripped off her top and proceeded to flirt with a bunch of Greek men on the beach. I didn’t even know what hedonism meant until I went back to the hotel and looked it up. She won’t let me touch her, tonight, and has said that she plans to go back to the same beach tomorrow. I am really worried that she plans to go without me. What should I do here? Please reply promptly as it will be daylight in a few hours.
Sheepshag:
Chill out man! You insult this Hedonist. If you looked up the Greek word you know that Hedonism is making pleasure life’s highest good. It doesn’t necessarily mean debauchery, although for some that’s a rush.
Seriously, dude, this could be the best vacation ever! First, I would bet my left eye that the problems that you face with your wife started a long time before you reached that beach in Greece.
Seventh year itch, dude, read about it. Sounds like you had the right idea about the Greek holiday, but now you are faced with a difficult problem. Carla thinks that you are more attracted to other women than to her, so off with the top and “tit-for tat” with the Greek dudes on the beach.
My guess is that you haven’t paid much attention to her lately. Think about it, dude, when was the last time you told her how much you loved her, how sexy she is, how she is the only woman who matters to you, and actually meant it. Women know if you are faking it, man, even if you are really good at pretending. They need to hear you say it and mean it, dude. Trust me, thinking it when you’re in the mood, but not actually verbalizing it don’t fly.
But listen up, man, you have an opportunity here. Don’t, I mean don’t try to have sex with her if she is pissed with you and thinks you are into other women. Don’t suggest it, make a move for it, or even appear interested in it.
Talk to her about how you are feeling, and let her know that she did make you jealous when she was at the beach with those Greek guys, but it got you to thinking about how much you loved her and were afraid to lose her, even to the extent that you wrote to me in desperation, (naw, scratch the last bit.)
Tell her that she was right, at least in part, that you did go to the beach to check out the women, but all you saw were a bunch of boobs and that she is the only woman who interests you, then tell her how lucky you are to have her as your wife and the mother of your kids. Make it a tender moment, dude, and only touch her if she invites it.
Tomorrow take her to the beach and introduce yourself to the Greek gods before she does. Let them know you are the Alpha male and that your wife is hot but you are cool and party on!
Ask the Sheepshag Shaman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
I arranged to have the kids looked after and took my wife, Carla, to Greece to celebrate our seventh anniversary. I had planned a romantic, fun trip and the first day of site seeing went well, but now things have become really weird. On the second day I took Carla to a local beach that a friend had recommended only to find that it was topless, and for some, completely nude. Ann became really angry and accused me of choosing the beach just so I could ogle the women. I offered to leave but she said “Oh no, if its hedonism you want its hedonism you’ll get,” stripped off her top and proceeded to flirt with a bunch of Greek men on the beach. I didn’t even know what hedonism meant until I went back to the hotel and looked it up. She won’t let me touch her, tonight, and has said that she plans to go back to the same beach tomorrow. I am really worried that she plans to go without me. What should I do here? Please reply promptly as it will be daylight in a few hours.
Sheepshag:
Chill out man! You insult this Hedonist. If you looked up the Greek word you know that Hedonism is making pleasure life’s highest good. It doesn’t necessarily mean debauchery, although for some that’s a rush.
Seriously, dude, this could be the best vacation ever! First, I would bet my left eye that the problems that you face with your wife started a long time before you reached that beach in Greece.
Seventh year itch, dude, read about it. Sounds like you had the right idea about the Greek holiday, but now you are faced with a difficult problem. Carla thinks that you are more attracted to other women than to her, so off with the top and “tit-for tat” with the Greek dudes on the beach.
My guess is that you haven’t paid much attention to her lately. Think about it, dude, when was the last time you told her how much you loved her, how sexy she is, how she is the only woman who matters to you, and actually meant it. Women know if you are faking it, man, even if you are really good at pretending. They need to hear you say it and mean it, dude. Trust me, thinking it when you’re in the mood, but not actually verbalizing it don’t fly.
But listen up, man, you have an opportunity here. Don’t, I mean don’t try to have sex with her if she is pissed with you and thinks you are into other women. Don’t suggest it, make a move for it, or even appear interested in it.
Talk to her about how you are feeling, and let her know that she did make you jealous when she was at the beach with those Greek guys, but it got you to thinking about how much you loved her and were afraid to lose her, even to the extent that you wrote to me in desperation, (naw, scratch the last bit.)
Tell her that she was right, at least in part, that you did go to the beach to check out the women, but all you saw were a bunch of boobs and that she is the only woman who interests you, then tell her how lucky you are to have her as your wife and the mother of your kids. Make it a tender moment, dude, and only touch her if she invites it.
Tomorrow take her to the beach and introduce yourself to the Greek gods before she does. Let them know you are the Alpha male and that your wife is hot but you are cool and party on!
Ask the Sheepshag Shaman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Tony: to Jew or Catholic be...
Tony from New York writes:
I think I am in over my head. I am deeply in love with a Jewish girl and she with me. We are soul mates and want to marry, but I am Catholic. Her parents forbid her to marry someone who is not Jewish, and while my parents can’t stop me it will break their hearts if their grandchildren are not raised Catholic, what should I do?
Sheepshag:
Ok, man, like you never want to break a heart, especially not your mother’s. But you only meet your soul mate once in a lifetime, dude, and if this girl is the real thing you have to go for it.
So here’s what you do. You and your girl convert and become Muslims. That will piss off both sets of parents equally, making them allies in a common cause, namely to bring you both back to your senses. If that doesn’t open the door to compromise, then suggest that you will raise your first child as a Buddhist and the second as a Hindu.
Life is about love, dude, and those who know true love understand that all of the great prophets taught us to love and respect each other. Humans aren’t shoes that should be sized and boxed according to where or how we were made.
Ask the Sheepshag Sharman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
I think I am in over my head. I am deeply in love with a Jewish girl and she with me. We are soul mates and want to marry, but I am Catholic. Her parents forbid her to marry someone who is not Jewish, and while my parents can’t stop me it will break their hearts if their grandchildren are not raised Catholic, what should I do?
Sheepshag:
Ok, man, like you never want to break a heart, especially not your mother’s. But you only meet your soul mate once in a lifetime, dude, and if this girl is the real thing you have to go for it.
So here’s what you do. You and your girl convert and become Muslims. That will piss off both sets of parents equally, making them allies in a common cause, namely to bring you both back to your senses. If that doesn’t open the door to compromise, then suggest that you will raise your first child as a Buddhist and the second as a Hindu.
Life is about love, dude, and those who know true love understand that all of the great prophets taught us to love and respect each other. Humans aren’t shoes that should be sized and boxed according to where or how we were made.
Ask the Sheepshag Sharman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.”
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