Rudy and Eddy

Rudy from Philadelphia writes:

There is a hot woman in the sales department at my work who I would like to take out, but she doesn’t seem to know that I exist. I have checked her personnel file and know that she is single and living with her parents. I have tried lots of ways to catch her eye, like dressing provocatively, moving my coffee break to coincide with hers, and each morning I wait until she arrives so that I can ride up in the same elevator. I smile at her but she just looks right through me, not even a smile. What should I do?

Sheepshag:

You’re creepy, dude, a borderline stalker. Even if you’re shy, I doubt that you are mute or a mime so talk to her. Try starting with “Hello, I’m Rudy”, but first find a washroom and scrub the “L” off your forehead.
The way to find out about a chick is to ask her, not read through her private personnel files. If she doesn’t want to talk to you, leave her alone!

Eddie from Beverly Hills writes:

I have found the woman of my dreams and we plan to be married in September. She is pretty cool about things, but her parents are fundamentalist Christians and her mother is already interfering in our lives quite a bit. Some years ago I was so broke that I participated in making a couple of porno films to pay the rent. Those films are still out there on the shelves, and I am worried that my girlfriend or worse, her mother, might find out about them. What should I do?

Sheepshag:

Tough one, dude, but what’s done is done. Take a page from the famous Prussian military thinker Carl von Clausewitz who said “the best defence is a good offense”. Tell the woman of your dreams what you did and why you did it. After all, who amongst us hasn’t had to rise to an occasion to come and pay the rent?
Hey, man, if your chick is cool with what you did, send copies to your future mother in law. Tell her that you were just trying to get ahead in life. She will be shocked! Her outrage will grow every time she watches it. She might even feel compelled to ask her Friday night ladies bridge club what they think.
But a word of caution, if she likes it run for the hills, and I don’t mean the Beverly Hills, dude, there are way too many cougars lurking in the shadows there.

Ask the Sheepshag Shaman a question, but remember, “If you can’t handle the answer, don’t ask the question.